Before The Wedding
by SilverRaven33
Summary: It's taken Shawn this long to say something, because he doesn't know what Cory's reaction will be. Rated M for one racy scene with nothing too explicit. I do not own the characters or the show.
1. Chapter 1

Before The Wedding

Chapter 1

"Cor-,"...

"What?!" Cory knew he sounded impatient, but he was nerved up, about to get married. And Shawn had been acting weird for the past few days. If he had something to say, he had to just come out with it.

"Don't do this, ok?"

"Why not? Why the hell not, Shawn? Give me one good reason. Just one." Shawn paused for a moment, long enough for Cory, dressed to the nines and ready to walk out there to his destiny, to start to turn away. As if he could pretend what Shawn might have to say could have no import. Shawn took a deep, fortifying breath.

"Because I can't live without you." He's shocked at himself that he's been able to say the words. Cory's shoulders slumped slightly, he stopped turning away and he swung around to face Shawn. His face lit up with a relieved smile.

"Well, I can't live without you either, Shawnie. But it's not like we'll have to. I'm just getting married, not moving to the moon." Shawn had to wince at the affectionate nickname getting thrown out so casually. Cory saw it.

"Hey, we'll always be best buds...me marrying Topanga isn't going to stop that," he reassured his friend. Shawn's eyes filled with a sadness he'd never known, but Cory was too preoccupied to see it. He only had a moment to decide whether to clarify himself, but it had never really been a decision.

"No, Cory," he got out, "That's not what I mean...,"and another deep breath. "I mean it's going to kill me to watch you marry her. Because I love you. Because that should be me up there." God, did he have to paint the boy a picture? Knowing Cory as well as he did, probably. Cory screwed up his face and squinted at Shawn.

"What are you...saying?" Cory started.

"What does it sound like?" Shawn countered, turning red in the face and feeling his breath coming in shorter gulps. If Cory didn't catch on soon, he was going to have to bolt, just run. His fallback. It had taken a week of deliberating with himself to think of saying anything, but if he let them go to the altar without at least trying, he knew he'd never forgive himself. "I mean, I- I'm in love with you." And there it was. Eighteen years of devotion summed it in a few puny little words. As much as Mr. Turner had tried to teach them that words were powerful, well, Shawn would believe it when he saw it.

Cory finally turned fully to face Shawn at this, at least. His eyes were wide, his mouth slightly agape. Shawn could almost see him deflate as he attempted to process this. "You're...in love...with me...," he barely stammered out. All he could do was stare stupidly for a moment. Stare at his Shawn that he had shared so many moments with, so many growing pains and experiences and classes and friends and enemies and conversations with.

Suddenly a head popped around the white curtain that Cory had turned his back on to face Shawn a moment ago.

"We're ready for you, Cor," Mr. Matthews said with a warm smile, and his head disappeared out of sight again. Cory almost turned instinctively towards the curtain and the roll he was set to fulfill but his face was still a bewildered canvas of unknown emotion. He stopped his body midturn and kept staring at Shawn, who was barely breathing by now and could only look at the floor. If Cory may have had any idea Shawn was only joking, that idea had no choice but to take a nosedive with one look at Shawn. Cory wasn't sure he'd ever seen his friend so scared...no...petrified.

"Shawn, are you okay?" Cory asked.

"No," came the answer, its speaker still not looking up. "I don't think I'll ever be okay again. But I knew I had to say something."

"Now, though?" Cory exclaimed. "You pick _now_ to say it? I should be out there by now, ready to line up. The music's going to start any second." As if Shawn needed a reminder of how much of screw up he is, that he couldn't have done this at a more convenient time. He just knew, irrevocably, that he could not watch the love of his life marry someone else and he sure as hell could not be a part of it. Yes, he'd gone through the motions in the past few weeks, getting the tux fitted, writing a half hearted best man toast, even arranging a bachelor's party that his heart was not in at all. And he swore, he swore to himself that with the drinks in him that night, he was going to confess then, tell Cory how he felt and that he shouldn't be getting married. But then just as soon as they'd had the chance to be alone, Cory had run to Topanga's, claiming he missed her too much and wanted to reassure her that nothing untoward had happened at the bachelor party. Leaving Shawn alone. Again. That seemed to be a specialty of Cory's lately, abandoning him for her. Not like Shawn could even blame him. He loved the girl, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. But Shawn had decided that at the very least, he could save himself by not being there to passively get his heart broken. Yet here he was, come this far, tux on, hair perfectly done, sprig of baby's breath in his lapel, ready to take his place in the procession that would take Cory from him forever. He was doing it for him. Because Cory had asked him to; because he could never deny Cory anything he asked. But this was going to break him. Maybe it already had.

"Then go," Shawn said, barely above a whisper. He finally looked up at Cory, his green eyes glazed with moisture. "If you can go out there and marry her and leave me behind forever, then just do it. I'll try to understand someday. But I'm out of here." He started towards the curtain before he lost his nerve, knowing it was the only way out and knowing he'd have to walk past at least the male side of the wedding party on his way out of the actual building. As he passed by Cory, he started bracing himself for the eyes and the questions that he would ignore as he ran away. But then Cory's hand was on his arm, bringing him up short.

"Shawn, wait," Cory started. Shawn obeyed, and they stood frozen, Shawn staring ahead, his expression as steely as he could achieve, and Cory willing him to look at him but unsure of what to say. To consider that Shawn was in love with him; that was crazy, Cory thought. But was it? Was it really? They'd shared everything in life thus far together. They were closer friends than anyone he knew. And it was breaking his heart to see Shawn in this much obvious pain right now. "Shawn, look at me. Please." And Shawn rose his head and lifted his eyes to look into Cory's, those gorgeous green eyes that Cory had been jealous of for years. The pain that Cory saw there stabbed him like a knife. He knew in that moment that Shawn's happiness and perhaps his sanity rested with him and him alone.

"You know I love you, Shawn," Cory said.

"If you love me then you won't do this," came the reply in a very small voice.

"I can't just leave Topanga at the altar," Cory answered. "We've kind of been waiting our whole lives for this." As he said it he knew it was the wrong thing. True tears started brimming in Shawn's eyes, but his look was still cold. What could possibly be the right thing to say right now, though?

"Kiss me," said Shawn.

"What?" Cory said.

"You heard me. I said, kiss me. Kiss me just once, just give me that much, and if you feel nothing, we need never talk about this again. It'll be like it never happened." Shawn didn't add that they would never talk about it again because Cory would never have to see him again because he'd be gone, but he knew Cory wouldn't let him get two steps away from him if he said that.

Cory studied the face that he knew so well, the pale skin over slightly sunken cheeks, the full pouty lips, the long dark lashes hiding those piercing eyes, the thick black brows. He'd be lying to himself if he said that he didn't think Shawn was attractive. Of course he was hot. But Cory had always taken that to mean that he was just jealous of his looks, because he could get any girl he wanted. He knew he didn't have much time to scrutinize these thoughts though. Shawn was looking at him like a wounded animal. It was a look that Cory had seen before, to be sure, but never this raw. Cory's instinct was to do whatever it took to make that look go away, to make his Shawn feel better and be happy again. Just like he'd been doing for years. So that's how he found himself moving in closer to Shawn, his hand still holding Shawn's bicep and the other one coming up to his friend's other arm to mirror it. He had no idea what he was doing, he'd never kissed a guy before, but this was just Shawn, Shawn who knew him better than anyone.

And suddenly it was Shawn's lips on his, gently at first, Shawn's hands that had come up to grab his forearms, Shawn's hair that was tickling his nose as the kiss grew longer than Cory had remotely expected. Not that he'd had time to expect much. But if he had, this certainly would not have been it. Shawn's lips were so soft, and just the right amount of wet, and putting just the right amount of pressure on Cory's lips. The two best friends stood there in the center of the backroom of the little church that Topanga had picked out to get married in, clinging onto each other's arms, not sure who was holding who up. Shawn was the one that pulled away slowly, his eyes boring into Cory's soul. Both were breathless.

A sudden voice made them jump ten feet, hearts racing.

"I know you're nervous but you have to come out now, guys." Mr. Matthews again, before stepping around the white curtain. "We need to line up." Then he took in the sight of the two young men standing and clinging to each other, both flushed and breathing hard. Cory's dad smiled. "It's nice to see you two are still as close as ever and there for each other. But, Shawn, you have to give him up to his wife now." His voice was warm and teasing.

Shawn did not take his eyes off of Cory's, the question hanging unspoken between them. Did you feel that? You must have felt that?!

"C'mon, Cor," Mr. Matthews said expectantly, putting an arm around his son's shoulders, ready to lead him away. If he'd been willing to think about it, he could vaguely tell there was some sort of tension in the air, but he was not a man to analyze emotions right away. Shawn let his arms fall to his sides and out of Cory's grasp slowly. He'd done what he could. Whatever decision Cory was going to make he would have to make it independently. Cory's eyes fell to the floor, his expression dazed. And as Shawn watched, he allowed himself to be led away by his father, steered towards the white curtain that represented the end to Shawn.

"C'mon, you too, Shawn, we need both of you for the wedding party," Mr. Matthews said, almost chuckling. Shawn could practically feel his heart tied to Cory's, and he told himself that's why he didn't just run in the opposite direction, why he meekly followed the Matthews and took his position on Morgan's young arm. He forced himself to go numb, at least on the outside, so he could keep putting one foot in front of the other. The next moments were a haze of powder blue dresses, black tuxedos, and music that sounded like a funeral march to Shawn. He knew where to step, where to go; just followed along behind the others until he was standing next to Eric with a pastor on his other side.

Then he was watching the love of his life walk slowly but steadily up the aisle. Shawn drank in the sight of him, the last view he would ever have of his friend. The only reason he hadn't bolted yet was because he couldn't let Cory and his family down. He would see him through this if it killed him. Their friendship demanded that much. In the celebration afterwards he would get lost in the crowd forever. It would be easier to slip away then anyway. He noticed Cory was pointedly not looking at him. Fine. It was better that way. Shawn was having all he could do to keep a mask on, if Cory had looked at him it's all too probable it would have slipped.

Cory wasn't smiling and he had a far away look in his eyes, but no one seemed to notice. Everybody around him was all just so happy; everyone but Shawn. Cory couldn't look at him. He wanted to, he wanted to more than anything, but he was scared that if he did, the precarious grip on sanity that he'd managed to gain back since the Kiss would fall away. He was here to marry Topanga, the girl he'd loved since he was six. But what about the boy he'd loved since he was six?, came a little voice. Was following through with this worth breaking that boy's heart, that boy that you've fought to protect for fourteen years and told you'd always be there for?

A gasp and then an "awww" came floating up from the assembled guests as the music turned to "Here Comes The Bride." Topanga was stunning, breathtaking in her strapless sparkly white gown. Her wide eyes held fear but exhiliration as she took her halting steps down the aisle to Cory. The sight of her drove every other thought from Cory's mind. This is what he'd been waiting for, this is where he was meant to be.

Shawn watched Topanga approach the altar, and he swallowed a lump in his throat as the pastor started his lines. The way Cory looked at her, the way she looked back at him, like they were each other's ports in a storm. That was what they both deserved. Not Shawn trying to ruin that for them. Mr. Matthews was right, he had to give Cory up to her. Shawn did love Topanga like the sister he'd never had and he knew she'd take care of Cory. Probably better than Shawn could, even if parallel universes could happen, if he was being honest with himself. Plus it was his own fault for not saying something sooner; he'd had, what? at least five years that he'd known. But all that time Cory had been devoted to Topanga, and Shawn wanted him to be happy. Even if it meant Shawn's happiness. The pastor droned on and Shawn kept his eyes on the tip of Cory's shined shoe, unable to actually watch his heart get torn out. He kept himself lost in his self flagellating thoughts, blaming himself for how he'd ended up and telling himself he could run soon. So soon.

"Do you, Cory James Matthews, take Topanga Anne Lawrence, to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Pastor Dave asked, in gravid but warm tones.

Cory smiled for the first time since he'd been standing at the altar and looked deep into Topanga's eyes. He took a breath and opened his mouth to seal his fate.

"No. No I don't," fell out of his mouth, which suddenly was no longer smiling. Cory couldn't hear the dead silence that greeted these words, because his ears were filled with a buzzing and he broke out into a cold sweat, his hands slipping from Topanga's grasp. He was aware she was staring at him in open mouthed, wide-eyed shock, as were most of the rest of the people in the room. "I-I-," his voice broke out, "I can't do this." He took two stumbling steps back, almost into Eric, and then his body carried him down the aisle and out the door of the church, almost without him knowing.

"Cory!" shouted Mr. Matthews, who was the first to recover a voice. He ran down the aisle following his son, who'd already made it outside. It wasn't the moment of sudden silence or the shout that brought Shawn out of his stupor, it was the wail that came clawing its way out of Topanga. She looked wildly around, tears obscuring her vision, and reached for the first, most familiar face she saw. Shawn caught her and somehow managed to keep them both upright. Meanwhile the church had erupted with shocked voices, hushed at first then becoming more bold, no one having known what just happened, or at least why. Shawn walked Topanga to the first row of pews, towards her parents that could take over for him in holding their daughter. He was trying to work out what had happened. Last he knew the vows were being said, and now everything was in an uproar. And Cory was nowhere to be seen. As much as Shawn was trying to be separate from all of this, that was something he couldn't ignore. Nor the fact that Topanga would not let go of him. Her mother had her arm around her shoulders, trying to gently draw her away, but Topanga's arms were locked around Shawn.

"It's ok, I've got her," Shawn heard himself telling the Lawrences, and he lowered himself and Topanga into a now-empty pew. She wasn't wailing anymore, she wasn't making much sound at all, but she was crying, her face buried in Shawn's jacket, covering him in makeup. He could feel way more eyes on him than he ever wanted, as people watched the beautiful jilted bride hold onto him for dear life. He did all he could do in that moment, and held her back, just as close. If she hadn't been crying, they would have looked like lovers. And maybe to some people they did anyway; Shawn could feel some of the sets of eyes questioning. Especially after what had just happened, some who didn't know better might wonder if this display might hold some answers they were all desperate for. Shawn blocked them out as thoroughly as he had just a few minutes before.

"Topanga, honey, breath," he whispered. He brought a clumsy hand up off of her bare shoulder and started stroking her hair, all done up in product and stuck with bobby pins and sparkly barrettes. "It's going to be all right," he lied.

"How could he? How could he do it?" she whimpered into his chest.

"I don't know," Shawn said, this time truthfully. It was still sinking into Shawn's brain that he _had_ done it, that Cory had literally run away from Topanga at the altar. Had Shawn caused him to...with that kiss...Well, isn't this what he had wanted then? Isn't this what Shawn had been going for when he told Cory not to marry her on their wedding day? No, he told himself adamantly. He had never wanted _this_. Topanga brought her head up finally to look at Shawn. His eyes rested on her tear and makeup streaked face, his heart aching for her.

"Shawn, why? Why did he do it? Out of anybody, you know him the best. You must know why he did it," she begged.

"I wish I did, I really do," Shawn said, and this was also the truth. It occured to him just how much of a secret he and Cory had created now, beginning with the Kiss and now with Cory's running. As close of friends as they were, Shawn could not tell Topanga what had happened between him and Cory moments before their would-be wedding, at least not at this moment. And, Shawn had to reflect, was that really what had caused Cory to bolt? Was one kiss going to derail everything Cory had wanted for years? Shawn was known as a good kisser, but c'mon, he told himself with an inner smirk. Topanga sighed, resigned for the moment, and her head came back down to Shawn's shoulder.

As odd as it felt to be sitting there holding his best friend's girl (or was she anymore?), Shawn childishly wished they could stay like that for just awhile longer. No hard questions, no figuring things out, no confused emotions; just hiding from the world together. Of course the world came rushing back too quick. Mr. Matthews had come back and he was panting, with an expectant crowd gathering around him.

"I couldn't catch him," he breathed. "He must have been running as soon as he cleared the door."

"Aww, Alan," came Mrs. Matthews. "We have to find him. Someone's got to talk to him. Poor Topanga." She was nearly in tears herself. Shawn felt more attention being centered on him and Topanga as the Matthews came over to them. "Topanga, I am so sorry," Mrs. Matthews said, "I can't believe Cory would do something like this. We'll find him and we'll figure everything out." Topanga nodded, raising her head. The initial rush of intense emotion seemed to be passing as everyone's objectives turned to what to do next. The obvious step seemed to be to find the runaway groom. Eric started wrangling the extended Matthews family, trying to distract them. Secretly he didn't blame Cory one bit for running; twenty one was way too young to get married and now at least this had turned into an interesting show. He did feel bad for Topanga though; that part sucked.

Mr. Lawrence, not sure what to do with himself, went to his family in turn and started making plans to either go back to where they were staying or remain at the church and wait. Mrs. Lawrence had stayed hovering near her daughter, waiting for her to be willing to find comfort in her mother instead of this dark haired boy that Mrs. Lawrence had never quite been able to trust, though she knew he was a dear friend of the groom's. Well, the would-be groom.

"What do you think, Shawn?" Mr. Matthews asked, "Any ideas on where Cory would have gone? You must have some, you know him better than anybody." Shawn bit back annoyance at this. He knew him better than anybody, everybody kept saying...even his own parents, even his own bride...why was Cory suddenly his responsibility? He realized that he was though, in a way. And if Shawn didn't look out for him, no one else might. It wasn't that all the people gathered around didn't care about Cory, but they all wanted answers from him right now. Perhaps Shawn could protect his friend for a bit anyway.

"There's a few places I can think of," he started.


	2. Chapter 2

Before The Wedding

CHAPTER 2

Hours later, close to sunset on that warm June evening, Mr. and Mrs. Matthews, Eric, and George Feeney all convened on the Matthews' back deck.

"I just hope he's safe," Mrs. Matthews said for the dozenth time.

"He's not the sort of young man to be overly foolish," Feeney stated, then didn't say anymore as they reflected that he'd already been rather foolish that day. The four of them had driven around town for the past few hours with no sign of Cory. All of the spots that Shawn had suggested had been flops, though they had seemed likely; his old high school, Chubbie's, the park that the kids had grown up playing in, even the treehouse in their own backyard. They had gone so far as to check at the bus station to see if they could find out if he had tried to leave town. His car was still in the driveway, so he couldn't have gone that far on his own.

"Wonder where Shawn is," Mr. Matthews mused. "Maybe he's had more luck and is bringing him back now." They all agreed to hope for this and went in the house to eat some dinner.

Shawn was walking. Mindlessly walking, as he had been since he left the church. He'd taken his car initially, to make it seem like he was serious about searching. Topanga had at first been adamant about coming with him right away, wedding gown and all, but her mother had been able to convince her to change and they would go out searching in a bit. Shawn would be endlessly thankful to Mrs. Lawrence for that. He'd been happy to be there for Topanga in her intense need for a friend, but it was high time for him to get away. He had too many of his own emotions to sort through, and he was worried about Cory all on his own as well. After driving around the block a few times, he parked his car at a small restaurant down the street from the church. He hoped there were enough other cars there that his mixed in. He needed air, and he had no intention of trying to find Cory, at least right away.

So he started walking down a side street and he just hadn't stopped. His mind was far too busy to notice if his feet were in pain. After all, he hadn't changed out of the dress shoes or the tux. He was sweating in it in the June heat, and he knew he most likely wouldn't be able to return it, but he was past caring about that. He was just hoping he hadn't royally screwed up his best friend's life. He wanted to talk to Cory almost as much as the others, but he also needed time on his own, and he suspected Cory did too. He'd given out names of places that Cory might be, knowing they would sound likely, and knowing that maybe Cory would actually be at one of them, but he didn't think he would be, and he couldn't have put his finger on why. He knew his friend was a creature of habit and comfort, but he'd just done something that jeopordized both of those things and so Shawn thought maybe all bets were off. He wouldn't have been surprised to learn that Cory had just gotten on a bus and gotten out of town, at least for a bit, except that he didn't have anything with him and Cory could not function if he wasn't prepared.

The sun was setting when Shawn turned down a familiar path into the little park down the street from the Matthews. He knew his car was miles away by now, and he didn't know why his feet had led him here. Maybe he was more of a creature of habit than Cory was. Shawn smiled half heartedly at the young children still playing on the playground as he passed it, clinging to the last light until their parents called them away to go home. That had been him and Cory years ago, except it had been the Matthews calling Shawn home as well. They'd take him back to their house, feed him a good dinner, then drop him off at the trailer park. Some nights he'd end up back at the Matthews when the trailer door didn't open to let him back in. He'd always been able to find sanctuary with Cory and his family. And he'd repaid them by falling in love and screwing Cory's life up.

He couldn't have said exactly when he knew; he called it for five years now, since they were fifteen and Shawn should have been getting a little more serious with at least some of the girls he was seeing. He got bored with each of them quickly though, and slowly realized he would never have what Cory and Topanga had. He started getting obsessed with their relationship, watching how they were with each other, and wondering why he wasn't good enough to give that to a girl. He blamed his upbringing mostly, that he didn't have a stable family example of his own to live up to. He'd watch them; he'd watch them kiss - the cute kisses and the kisses that said I'm angry at you but I still love you, the passionate kisses, the hurried kisses as they each rushed off to class, the reunion after a few days apart kisses, and Shawn was jealous of all of them. He'd made out with just about every girl he'd taken on a date and he was no stranger nor slouch when it came to kissing, but it just didn't seem like it ever felt the same as it did to Cory and Topanga when they'd kiss. It was fun, but it always left him feeling somehow empty. Then he'd often hang out with Cory after a date and as they settled into the couch to watch a late night horror movie together, Shawn's heart would just feel...comfortable. Like he was where he was supposed to be. He didn't really make a full connection that he was actually jealous of Topanga and what that comfortable feeling meant until he was sixteen, however. When he realized it, he wished he could just lock it in a box and pretend he'd never seen it. He and Cory were best friends, Cory would never be able to see him like that. And plus there was Topanga. There was always Topanga. So Shawn chased more girls, and began thinking of Cory when he'd kiss them, and this would sate his hormones for a bit. He secretly loved it every time Cory would call him Shawnie, and Shawn would sneak calling him Babe in every once in awhile, just to see if he noticed. It never bothered him, since they'd grown up so close.

Twenty one year old Shawn reflected now, with the children's voices in the background, how did he know he wasn't in love with Cory much earlier than that though, perhaps when they were as young as these kids were? It had always been Cory and Shawn, Shawn and Cory. They'd been inseparable since the day they'd become friends, and the sacrifices and bonds between them ran deeper than anyone could fathom. Time and again they'd surprise everyone around them with just how far they were willing to go to help each other out, to be there for each other. Which is what had brought Shawn to wearing a tuxedo in a park at sunset. Some part of him knew he should go home to the apartment he shared with Eric, it's not like anybody would be there anyway. But wandering felt more natural to him, especially right now.

Shawn came upon the old sandbox that he was surprised was still there. It had been there for at least fifteen years and he was sure that park authorities would be replacing or removing it soon. It was tucked in an out of the way corner of the park, by the edge of it almost where the woods started, where many kids probably didn't come anymore. There was already someone sitting on the edge of the sandbox, and Shawn was ready to turn away and head in a different direction. But in the fading light, he recognized the outline of the curly hair and the solid but slumped over upper body. He stopped in his tracks, unsure if he was able to face this. Cory was facing away from him, looking out into the shadows of the woods, so Shawn had the advantage. He could turn and run; he could avoid this conversation. For all he knew, Cory wouldn't even want to talk to him. And Shawn wouldn't be able to blame him. Not at all sure what he was going to say, Shawn approached the sandbox in a way that his shadow announced itself. He saw Cory not even notice it.

"What if I was a serial killer?" Shawn announced himself.

"You probably wouldn't be lurking in a kid's park while it was still light out," Cory shot back. Shawn smiled. Maybe his friend wasn't as naive anymore as he seemed. He swung into Cory's view and sat on the opposite corner of the sandbox, unwilling to come too close. Cory looked over at him right away, a thoughtful look on his baby face. He was also still wearing his tux.

"Remember when we used to come to this park all the time when we were little?", he asked Shawn, a wistful smile on his face.

"Yeah," acknowledged Shawn. "Yeah, I do."

"When everything was a lot simpler," said Cory. Shawn didn't have a good answer for this.

"Didn't they come looking for you here?" asked Shawn.

"Yeah. I went and hid in the woods when I heard the car," with a slight hint of laughter.

Shawn's eyebrows shot up. "That's something I would do... I don't blame you."

"Eventually I've got to go back."

"Not yet though."

"But soon. Shawn, I feel horrible. How was Topanga? Wait, I don't want to know. Wait, yes I do."

Shawn took a deep breath. He would keep nothing from his friend. "She was bad. She clung onto me for awhile."

"She clung onto you?"

"Yeah, ironic, huh? I end up holding the one that is stood up by the one I really wanted to be holding." Shawn immediately wished he could take his words back. He didn't want to walk that line yet, he wanted to give Cory more time before they talked about that. But you can't help the mouth from speaking what the hearts wants, he supposed.

"I'm glad you were able to be there for her," was all Cory said. "Thank you."

"Hey, I did my best," said Shawn.

"What am I going to tell her, Shawnie?" was the next question. Shawn dearly hoped his next words were not going to be that Shawn knew him better than he knew himself. Though in the back of his mind, Shawn would not have been surprised if that was the case.

"I was hoping you knew that, bud," was all Shawn said. When Cory was silent, Shawn ventured gently, "Why did you run, Cor?" By this time it was full dusk. Cory took a long time to find words, and Shawn was patient.

"Because I looked into her eyes, and I saw the weight of the world there, and everything that was dependant on me, and the way everything would change, and how I didn't want it to change. I had...more of a sense of loss...if I'd said I do than I did if I said I don't. Does that make sense?" Cory was looking at Shawn, willing him to tell him it did make sense, that he wasn't completely crazy.

"Did that sense of loss include me?", Shawn hated to push but he had to know. All the kids had been called home so the only sounds were the birds in the nearby woods settling down for the night.

"Of course it did," came the answer and Shawn's heart started beating again. He could feel Cory looking at him.

"Look, Cor," Shawn dived in, "I didn't mean to come between you two. I didn't want to ruin things for you guys. It broke my heart to see Topanga like that today, and I hated myself for it. I should have said something a long time ago, not waited till today to say it. But I thought I'd be able to ignore it, I thought it was the best thing for you two. I didn't want to screw up your life. But now I did, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, Shawnie..." Cory moved closer to his friend along the sandbox bench. He reached out to him and put a hand on his knee, getting Shawn to look up at him. "Do you think I could ever be happy if I knew you were miserable? I do wish you had said something sooner, but thank god you said it when you did." Shawn searched Cory's eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't notice."

"I hid it well," said Shawn. "I didn't want to believe it myself in some ways because I just wanted you to be happy."

"I don't want you to ignore who you are, Shawn," Cory told him. Cory's hand was very warm on his knee, and Shawn, heart racing, finally reached up to rest his hand over Cory's. Cory immediately opened his fingers to nestle Shawn's in between his.

"And I don't want you to do anything just to make me happy," Shawn said. "I know how I feel about you, but this...this is news to you. I don't want you making any decisions that aren't...what you'd do anyway."

"What I would have done anyway is marry Topanga, because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. But now you've shown me, well, not to sound corny, but a whole new world. I don't fully know what I want to do. But I do know I'm glad I'm here with you right now, like this." And he gave Shawn's fingers a little squeeze. Shawn smiled for the first time in hours.

He scrunched up his face at Cory. "Really?"

"Really," Cory smiled back at him. "And that look on your face is adorable." Shawn flushed but then looked at him doubtfully. Cory continued, "It's not like I don't love you, Shawnie. And you're the hottest guy I've ever seen." Shawn really flushed at this. "I always kind of thought I was just jealous of you because you could get any girl you wanted. But what if the truth is that I was jealous of those girls?"

Shawn chuckled a bit, "I thought I was jealous of you and Topanga until I realized I was just jealous of her. It's crazy to think how long I've been hiding this and now you know and it feels so good to have it out. Scary. But still good."

"I don't want you to be scared, Shawnie. But I am too," Cory admitted.

"Yeah, this is all great to be happy to be here with each other right now but there's a world out there that's very much waiting for you to go back and explain yourself," Shawn said. It had gotten dark enough that the lights had come on in the newer area of the park. There was just enough light spread to the corner where the two young men were for them to see each other's faces. Shawn's stomach growled. They both lightly laughed and Cory squeezed Shawn's hand again.

"I think I can face whatever it is the world throws at me as long as I've got you with me. Now let's get out of here and out of these damn tuxes and get some food."

"Okay, we can go to my place for now. I don't think anyone should be there yet, and if anyone is it should just be Eric. He won't ask as many questions as everyone else." The two stood up. "Shit," Shawn added as he realized. "My car is near the church."

"I've got my keys on me," said Cory. We'll walk to my parents' and sneak my car away."

"I like this renegade side of you, Cor," Shawn said, and leaned against him companionably.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Contrary to what he'd let on to Cory, Shawn was not okay with leaving him alone with Topanga. He knew he had no right to hope that Cory was his now...no wait, he _did_ have a right to hope. Expect, maybe not, but hope...yes, he deserved that much. He'd been there for Cory just as much as Topanga had been through the years, and in the past almost twenty four hours, Cory had given him enough reason to think maybe he had a shot. On the ride to get his car, Shawn became rather glad that he'd never cared enough about anyone else to have this kind of worry and self doubt. Is this what everyone went through when a relationship was just starting? How annoying.

He was scared that time alone together again would give Cory a different perspective than he'd had for the last almost-day, that even if he didn't run out and marry Topanga while Shawn was gone, he would come to his senses and realize that he couldn't leave her completely. And Shawn would not share; he'd decided that. He had already shared Cory for fifteen years. If they were going to take things to the next level, Shawn wanted, needed, fidelity. He threw his head against the passenger window of Eric's car in an attempt to knock the images of Cory and Topanga talking, or not just talking, out of his head. Eric glanced over and turned the radio down.

"So...you and Cory huh?" Shawn wasn't keen on the idea of talking about this with anybody else. "That makes sense." Shawn looked over at him sharply. He didn't think Eric was joking.

"I mean," Eric continued, "You guys have had some disagreements over the years, but not as much drama as what he's gone through with her. I think you balance him. He tried to live up to Topanga's ideals, and that would be hell on anybody. But for you, he tries to do the right thing because he wants to, for you. There's a difference. He knows you'll be there and you'll care either way. Plus, I've always kind of wondered if he really could be straight...", Eric said lightly, with a squint of his eyes. He finished this uncharacteristically deep monolouge with, "I'm rooting for you, Shawn."

Turned out Shawn didn't have to talk about it at all. He'd never admired Eric more. "Thanks man," he answered simply. Eric smiled and gave him a short nod and turned onto Church Street.

"I have no good reason for what I did," Cory said soberly. "I am ashamed of myself for it and I will be for a long time."

"Leaving me at the altar, or...something else?" asked Topanga.

"What else would I have to be ashamed of...?" Then he realized what she was hinting at. Though it felt weird to know they had been seen being close, and this was all new to him, how could he be ashamed of loving Shawn?

"I see," was all she said.

"Topanga," Cory sighed. "I was gonna say I do, I really was. But then I looked at you, and...it just didn't feel right. I was terrified. I was so scared I was making a mistake. And I didn't want to go any further if I wasn't one hundred and ten percent sure. You wouldn't have wanted me to do that, would you have?" She shook her head silently and finally the tears started trickling down her cheeks. She'd been able to hold them off this long. Cory started as if to move towards her to comfort her, but then an image of Shawn, hurt and scared, appeared in his mind. It would hurt Shawn now if he were to be close to Topanga, he was sure of it. Plus, if this was his choice, what good would comforting her do? Even if she let him, it would just be prolonging the agony.

"How long have you not been one hundred and ten percent sure?" Topanga asked now.

Cory bit his lip and answered, "A long time." It felt like every word he said was an ax strike to the sturdy oak that he'd pretended was their relationship. It was nice to have something solid to have faith in, to feel like he was continuing on what his parents had shown him growing up, to...hide behind a perfect image because that was easier than really facing your desires and fears...Cory felt like he was on shaky ground now, and he didn't know what was coming next, but it felt more honest than his life had felt since he could remember. "Look, don't ever doubt that I loved you. That I do love you," Cory told Topanga. "You are the most perfect, beautiful, smartest girl that I've ever met. I just...don't think we're meant to be together forever."

"You used to," Topanga said softly. "You did when you proposed. We got through that whole thing with Lauren, and, I thought we were good. I've never really pictured my life without you in it."

"Me neither," Cory admitted.

"But he's managed to steal you away," Topanga said flatly.

Cory said, "I don't want you hating Shawn. I guess I can't control that, and I guess I wouldn't blame you for that matter. But things weren't right anyway, Topanga, and I hate to say it but I think getting married would have been a mistake. I'm thankful to Shawn for distracting me in time. I can't let him down." There was no good way to put it, really. Someone was getting hurt no matter what, and Cory didn't want to pretend anymore.

"So, what? Shawn wins and I lose?" Cory didn't have an answer to that. "He's always outranked me," Topanga continued, though it sounded more as if she was talking to herself. "I guess why should this be any different? In truth I suppose I'm not really surprised. You two have always been too close. Well, not too close, but you know what I mean...Cory, this is really screwed up."

Cory's eyebrows raised. "Why?! Why is it so screwed up that Shawn and I might be in love?" As he said it, the truth of the words hit him, he was in love with his best friend. Topanga stared at him uncomfortably, with a shrewd look on her face. Cory knew that look; she wore it when she was going to try to convince him she was right.

"Cory," she said, deceptively gentle, "Are you sure Shawn's not just doing this for...well, attention? Because if we had gotten married, it would put him on the back burner of your life? And he wouldn't have been able to handle that, would he? You guys have always been so close, and I get that." She stopped with her mouth open, because Cory had shot up off the couch, and was glowering in a way she had never seen.

"Attention?! _Attention_? What, is Shawn a toddler? He knew he would never, _ever_ , be put on the back burner of my life. If that's what you thought would happen if we got married, that's one more reason to be happy we didn't! Shawn is my best friend. I would never do that to him. I would never do anything to let him down." Topanga's mouth had closed, and the open expression on her face followed suit. She looked at Cory out of steely eyes, or as steely as she could make them when they were damp. She stood up now as well.

"I see," she said. "I see that it was always going to be him or me. And I clearly see where your loyalty is." Cory sighed, calming only a bit.

"Topanga, did you really think Shawn could ever be less important to me than, well, anything? You didn't really think he and I would grow apart, ever? If you did, then you don't know me that well."

Topanga looked up at him and then down again. "I guess I see that now. I guess I was just humoring you both, thinking that once we were married and into our adult lives, Shawn would sort of finally have to get his own life and we could have ours. I guess I was wrong." Cory resisted the urge to get mad again at the implication that Shawn didn't have his own life. And the idea that Topanga had been "humoring" them.

"Shawn and I would never have been any less close than we ever were," he earnestly told her, instead of yelling. "I love him. And thank god I get the chance now to find out just how much. I'm still sorry, Topanga...this isn't how I could have wished for things to go." She nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry too, Cory. I think I should go now." Cory nodded in agreement, and felt awkward. Should he walk her to the door? Should he hug her goodbye? He ended up doing nothing as she slipped silently passed him and walked to the door of the apartment. "We should keep in touch, maybe. Take care, Cory," she said, and was gone before he could reply.

Cory threw himself into the armchair Topanga had been sitting in and took in a breath down to his toes. Had he really just let his love of the past fifteen years walk away? Had he really just told her he loved his best friend instead? Loved him in a way that made it have to mean he loved him _instead_ of her? Yeah, yeah, he was pretty sure that's what had just happened. Cory had thought he'd done enough thinking the day before, but his mind still whirled. He had turned his life upside down in the course of twenty-four hours. No, Shawn had turned his life upside down in the course of twenty-four hours. But Cory had gone along with it. He knew it was right that he wasn't marrying Topanga; that felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders, even if it didn't feel comfortable that things hadn't gone the way they were supposed to. Something inside Cory told him that he and Topanga wouldn't have matured well together. There were already too many little arguments between them that they'd been ignoring. For the first time he was able to see the situation clearly for what it was, now that he wasn't stuck in the middle of it.

So now what? Cory supposed Shawn would be back soon, and they could pick up where they'd left off. Out with the old, in with the new, Cory thought to himself and chuckled maniacally. What the hell was he doing? He stood up and started to pace around Eric and Shawn's apartment, looping around the kitchen island and the living room furniture in a figure eight. What did Shawn expect of him, exactly? That he'd leave Topanga and just fall into Shawn's arms? Like he did yesterday?, Cory pointed out to himself.

"I'll be waiting for you," Shawn had parted with. That was what he was planning on, then. He was taking it as a matter of course that Cory would come to him. Was Cory that predictable, even in his turn-his-world-upside-down unpredictablility? Maybe just to Shawn. But maybe Cory was sick of doing what other people thought he would do. He had proved that yesterday for sure. He felt uneasy as he thought about letting Shawn down, though. Hadn't he just told Topanga he never would?

Cory looked at the couch where they'd snuggled all night, and thought of how easy it could be to fall into that, to slip from friendship into much more. They'd already started, and Cory could feel how strong the pull towards each other was. He'd never thought of himself as possibly being gay, and he really still didn't. This was just Shawn; they'd already been together in a way for years. This would just be a continuation of that. It could feel glorious, and Cory's heart swelled with love. He already knew he and Shawn would be together forever, they had decided that years ago. Whereas he hadn't been feeling that way about Topanga for a long time, since he was an idealistic teenager. Sure, it might be awkward at first, telling the family, and hopefully they wouldn't hate him. But it would turn out alright, it had to. Time would heal all things, and Cory felt so right about this. He smiled to himself, checked that the credit card he'd opened to start his married life with was in his wallet, left the apartment, and got into his car.


	4. Chapter 4

Before The Wedding

CHAPTER 4

"He didn't go home," Eric announced, hanging up his phone and tossing it lightly on the kitchen island.

"And he's not answering his phone," Shawn said. "He either turned it off or the battery is dead." He hit the end button as Cory's cell went straight to voicemail for the fourth time. He strongly suspected it was the former. After picking up Shawn's car, he and Eric had separately wasted some time driving around, trying to give Cory and Topanga ample time to talk. Shawn had gone home first, hoping he would miss Topanga's leaving. Hoping that she'd left alone. He was rather surprised that neither of their cars were in the driveway when he got there. He was still sitting there puzzling out the things this could mean that he didn't want to think about when Eric pulled in ten minutes later.

"He probably just needs some time on his own," Eric said. Shawn knew he was right, but he was having an extremely hard time not thinking that Cory had gone somewhere with Topanga. Somewhere to be alone that Shawn hadn't kissed and cuddled with Cory in. Shawn didn't even want to sit on the couch. He went into his room and closed his door, opening up an old notebook of his poetry. Eric sighed, wishing he had more reassurance for his friend and roommate. He picked up his phone again.

By that afternoon, they were at least able to ascertain that Topanga was not with him; she had gone to meet up with Angela and some other friends after her conversation with Cory. She didn't know where he may have gone, and she honestly wasn't sure she cared at this point. Eric's phone call to his parents had gotten them worried that Cory was lost for the second time in two days, but after the search of the day before, and the fact that they knew that he had his car now, everyone was rather at a loss. Shawn spent the day and that night reading and trying Cory's phone a few times an hour, only to hear it go straight to voicemail every time. Sometimes he'd leave a message, most times he wouldn't. He called into work Monday and stayed in his room and tried not to think. Mostly by sleeping all day.

He wanted to be mad at Cory. He wanted to stop thinking about him. If Cory could take off again, when he knew Shawn would be worried and missing him and wanting him there, why should Shawn spare any grief over him? Because that's how it goes when you love somebody, Shawn was figuring out, and thought again that it was good that he'd never had to deal with this before now. He was also fighting his own paranoia that said Cory had abandoned him, like everyone else in his life had. Cory had been the only, _the only_ , constant in Shawn's life for fifteen years, and now he had taken off. It's not you, it's not you, Shawn told himself over and over, he's going through something life and personality changing right now, he needs space. But what reason did Shawn have to think it wasn't him? Shawn had started this; he had said, "Don't do this because I'm in love with you," and Cory had listened. And now Cory had freaked out and run away. Hard not to blame himself.

Shawn clung to how well he knew Cory, and that as topsy turvy as he must be feeling, he would come back. He wouldn't be able to up and leave his whole life in an instant. When they had gone on road trips, Cory had enjoyed some sightseeing but he was always eager to get back home where things were familiar and predictable. But, Shawn reflected, nothing was familiar and predictable now. He had cut Topanga loose, he didn't know how his family was going to react to that, he was in between jobs right now, and even his friendship with Shawn had been put in a snow globe and shaken. Cory wouldn't leave for good though. He wouldn't, he couldn't just leave Shawn, at least not without an explanation, Shawn told himself. He thought back to when they parted; Cory had given no signs that he was mad at Shawn or even unsure of him. And Shawn had said that he would be waiting for him. So that's exactly what he would do. Wait and try not to think and sleep.

Tuesday morning Eric barged into his room and shoved him towards the shower and then shoved him out the door to go to work because he couldn't afford to lose Shawn's half of the rent money, and because he knew laying around wasn't doing Shawn any good.

Mr. Feeny was at the apartment when Shawn got home from work that evening. He and Eric were seated at the kitchen island, chatting away. All Shawn wanted to do was go crawl back in bed and wait to hear from Cory, but he couldn't ignore Mr. Feeny in his home.

"Mr. Hunter," George said, "Good evening," and he raised his glass of wine in Shawn's direction.

"Hey," Shawn replied non-commitedly, with a nod. "What brings you here, Mr. Feeny?"

"I was overdue," Eric replied. "I'd gone too long without my Feeny." Shawn had to smile and shake his head. Eric had always been too attached to the gang's teacher and mentor. Shawn had to admit, though, it was good to see him; comforting, somehow, that at least some things weren't changing. Maybe Cory wasn't the _only_ constant in Shawn's life, exactly.

"Yes," George chuckled, "Eric insisted I come over for a visit. It's been hard on him ever since he hasn't been living at the Matthews home and unable to just go out in his yard and call for me. That, and with Lila out of town for her conference, I got tired of just puttering around the house. It's amazing how I've gotten used to having her around." It was still strange to see the softer side of Mr. Feeny since he'd gotten married last year. "It's also been quite a riot over at the Matthews house these past few days. Eric, by the way, your grandparents are planning on leaving tomorrow, you should go to say goodbye."

"Yeah, I'll probably head over there tonight. Maybe stay the night. You should come with me, Shawn," Eric suggested.

"I...don't know..." Shawn trailed off. Eric, thick as he was, must realize that Shawn would feel uncomfortable, under the circumstances, to spend time with Cory's family.

"I think that's a fine idea," added George. "Remember, Shawn, you have been one of the last people to see Cory since the...incident. I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Matthews would like to talk to you." Shawn squirmed uncomfortably. He was fairly sure the Matthews didn't know anything about him and Cory, unless Eric or Topanga had told them, and he knew Eric hadn't. He couldn't see Topanga talking openly about it either, but who knew what a hurt woman might do?

"That's part of the problem," Shawn said, "I don't know what I'd tell them." This he could be truthful about.

"Well, at least tell them how Cory seemed when you last saw him. What you two talked about when you found him on Saturday." About how they'd held hands and how they were happy to be there in the park with each other, like that? Shawn didn't think so. He chewed on his lower lip, trying to think of an answer. "Regardless, I know they'd be happy to see you, Shawn," Mr. Feeny added. If they knew the truth, yeah, probably not, Shawn thought.

"Maybe," he threw out.

"How was Cory when you saw him last?" asked Mr. Feeny, his brow wrinkling, the familiar concerned-about-one-of-his-students look on his face. Shawn had to think a moment, to construct what was safe to say.

"He was, he was okay," he replied, making it up as he went along, but that was his specialty. "Worried about Topanga. Unsure of what to tell people and stressed over that, but okay." He felt fair in sharing that much. It would be up to Cory how much to explain to people. Mr. Feeny nodded.

"He's a good, smart young man. As hard as this is for everyone to be going through right now, especially him I'm sure, I have no doubt he did what was best," George said.

"He's way too young to be getting married," Eric said, taking a sip off his orange soda. "I've said that all along."

"I think you might be right," Mr. Feeny replied. Eric's left eyebrow shot up, as did both of Shawn's.

"Feeny say what?!" Eric's voice rose. Mr. Feeny had never declared that Eric was right about anything.

"I know, I know, mark it in the history books," George said wryly with a little smile. "But in all seriousness, I hope he's not being too hard on himself. As good as he and Miss Lawrence were together, they have only ever really known each other, relationship-wise. Yes, they had bumps, but they never seriously dated anyone else. Look how long it took me to find Lila. While I don't believe it should take everyone sixty years, the two people in question are very young to know what they want for the rest of their lives. I'm the first one to believe that they could have made it if anyone could, but I'm not horribly surprised that Cory decided it was too much, too soon."

Shawn was beginning to see that maybe not everyone would think that Cory was such a bad guy, and he was comforted by this for him. He just wished he could convey this idea to Cory. Mr. Feeny left shortly after, wishing the young men well. It was strange not seeing him every day in classes anymore, and now he felt like more of a friend than their teacher.

"C'mon," said Eric, "You're coming with me tonight. Let me just get some stuff together to sleep there."

"No way, man," Shawn said. "You're going to say goodbye to your grandparents, you have a reason for going. I've got no reason to tag along." He realized that without Cory around, he didn't have a whole lot of reason for much. That had to be a bad thing.

Eric cocked his head at him. "You're family too. Mr. Feeny was right, my parents would like to see you, I'm sure." Then he added, a little softer, "And I don't really want to leave you alone here all by yourself." Shawn opened his mouth to argue, he was fine being left alone, he might enjoy the solitude. But then he closed his mouth, not having anything to say. When did Eric get so caring and sensitive? "Plus, they'll feed ya," Eric added.

Mr. and Mrs. Matthews were, as promised, happy to see Shawn, hugging him in turn as soon as he walked in. He had insisted on driving separately from Eric at least, so he could escape when he wanted to. He liked having that out, it made him feel more in control. But it was just another evening at the Matthews, though without Cory...that did feel weird. His absence was an elephant in the room that everyone was trying stoically to ignore. Shawn was intensely grateful, however, that Cory's parents did not ask him any questions, about whether he knew their son's whereabouts, or about the last time Shawn saw him. And they did feed him, a wonderful home cooked meatloaf with macaroni and cheese. That wasn't to say there weren't some uncomfortable moments while he was there, especially with the extended family in the house.

"There's that hottie that Cory's always hanging out with," came across the table at dinner.

" _Mom_ ," said Mr. Matthews, knowing it wouldn't curb her in the slightest. Shawn looked up to see Cory's free spirited grandmother, the one that lived in her camper and was always on an adventure, even at the age of seventy now. She still dyed her hair red and still wore polyester pant suits. She gave him a flirtatious wink.

"Hi, Mrs. Matthews," Shawn replied, not without a slight blush rising to his cheeks. Morgan, sitting next to him, stifled a giggle.

"You've aged well, young man," she said next, in her not-quite-southern drawl. "You're going to make some young lady very lucky someday. Morgan, you're old enough for him now."

" _MOM_ ," interjected Mr. Matthews again, only succeeding in making his mother laugh. Shawn took a quick glance at Morgan, now feeling just as bad for her as he did for himself, to see her face bright red and her concentrating very hard on her plate.

"You know, I was always a little surprised that Topanga never ran off with you, or for that matter, that Cory didn't." She laughed at her own audacity. Shawn's elbow came down suddenly on the end of his butter knife, sending it flying to the floor. As he bent down to pick it up, she continued thoughtfully, "Well, I guess now that those two aren't getting married one of 'em could..."

" _Mother_ ," strained Mr. Matthews, horrified.

"Oh, Alan, chill out," she replied. "Just trying to make light of things." As mortified as Shawn was, when he glanced around the table, he could see that everyone was just taking the senior Mrs. Matthews' jokes as either good fun or background noise. When he got to Eric and noticed the heavy smirk on his face, Shawn shot him a warning glance.

Thankfully, everyone was just about finished with dinner, and after clearing the dishes, it was time for the grandparents to head home while there was still light. Shawn faded away to the backyard, debating taking off for his own home. He'd gotten a good meal, the Matthews had seen him, he'd been jokingly half-outed at dinner; it had been a full evening. He lingered for a moment, looking around the backyard and deck, remembering all the time he and Cory had spent out there. He had a thought to climb up into the treehouse for old times sake when somebody came walking along the fence towards the house. They stopped short when they saw him.

"Shawn."

"Topanga. Fancy meeting you here." Really? She has to show up while he's there? Of all the times to haunt the house?

"Yeah," she said, crossing her arms as if to hug herself, "I'm leaving for Pittsburgh tonight. Wanted to say goodbye to the Matthews."

"Pittsburgh?" questioned Shawn.

"Going to stay with my mom for a bit, maybe longer. There's really not much here for me anymore, now that school's done, and Cory's...", she left off. "Is he still gone?"she asked. Shanwn nodded. "Any word from him?" Shawn shook his head. He couldn't really think of much to say. He'd always thought of Topanaga as a friend but how did she regard him now, and what had been said between her and Cory after he left? He didn't know if he wanted to know, and in any case, he couldn't ask. That was between them. Topanga had walked closer, within a few feet from where Shawn was leaning on the redwood bench. He was gazing off at the treehouse again, rather wishing he'd been up there already when she'd come into the yard.

"He'll come back," he heard her say softly. Shawn glanced over at her, to see her watching him. "He'd never leave you for long." He started blushing again. He wasn't sure how comfortable he might be with this subject with anyone, but least of all her. At the same time, he was extremely limited on people he could talk about it with, and any words of comfort were tempting.

"You really think so? See, I never thought he'd leave you." She shook her head slightly.

"I always knew it was a possibility," she said. "We weren't the perfect couple like everyone thought. We were good at pretending it, even to ourselves." She took a deep breath, like she was getting ready to unload a weight off of her. "You two are better together. I've always seen it. I never thought it would take the shape that it has, but you were always just a little more important to him than I was. When it came down to a serious choice, he picked you. And he won't be able to stay away from you for long."

"I hope you're right," Shawn said, and smiled a little. "Of course, you usually are."

"Shawn, I'm sorry for accusing you of lying about knowing why he left," she said now. "It was easier to be angry, and you were an easy target. That was wrong of me. I see how hard this is on you, too."

Shawn shrugged, and replied, "It's ok, really. I get it. I can see why you would have thought that. And I would hate myself if he outright left you for me. I did not want to get between you two. It's why I didn't tell him how I felt for years."

"I'm so glad you finally did, though," he heard her saying. He looked over at her, puzzled. Topanga smiled at him. "We would have gotten married, and you would have been miserable, and eventually we would have been as well. What would that have gotten any of us?"

"How are you being so sensible about this?" Shawn asked her.

"The things that Cory said made a lot of sense," Topanga paused, unsure how much to share. It was nothing that Shawn didn't already know, but maybe he needed the reminder that he knew them. He looked so lost and forlorn, standing there still looking at the treehouse. "Especially the part about you being the most important thing in his life and that he loves you." Shawn stared at the ground for a moment, then brought his gaze up to Topanga.

"He said that?"

"It was pretty much the last thing I heard him say," she confirmed. "You guys will be all right." Shawn sighed; he dearly hoped she was right. This was the most he had to go on.

"And what about you?" he asked. "Are you going to be all right, Topanga?" He finally turned his body so that he was facing her. She dipped her head a bit, then nodded slowly.

"I think so. I'm going to my mom's for a little bit, regroup. Then I'll see. I'm thinking it might not be too late to see if I can get into Yale again."

"I'm sure you can," Shawn told her. She smiled at him.

"Thanks." Then she stepped forward and wrapped him in a hug. "We have to stay friends, Shawn. Things don't just end here." Shawn returned the hug, running his hand reassuringly up and down her back.

When they broke away, Topanga announced that she should go say goodbye to the Matthews. There were no longer any sounds of departure coming from the front yard and driveway.

"Take care of yourself," Shawn told her, ready to get out of there.

"You too, Shawn," she said, pausing at the back door. "And take care of Cory."

"I will," he promised her. If he does actually come back to me, Shawn thought to himself.


	5. Chapter 5

Before The Wedding

CHAPTER 5

It was slightly easier to be optimistic about Cory returning after his conversation with Topanga. Shawn was still miserable anyway. As the days slipped by, the moodier he got, and even Eric's goofiness couldn't get a smile out of him anymore. Shawn constructed conversations in his head for when he saw his friend again, how he'd be aloof, and distant, and make him come to him. All of which went out the window when it did finally happen.

It was almost a full week that Cory stayed away; there was a sudden knock on the apartment door early Saturday evening. Eric had gone out on a date to a ball game with a girl Shawn didn't even know the name of yet, and he was home, flipping through reruns on TV. He knew he should be out in the nice weather on a weekend, but he couldn't bring himself to feel up to it. So he was being a couch potato, lounging around the apartment in ripped jeans and a thin white tee, trying not to think. The knock came, and he almost didn't get up. He was close to falling into a nap, an episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air turned down low. The knock came again, and Shawn grunted, beginning to stir.

"Shawnie, it's me," that voice called out, and Shawn was on his feet, his heart pounding against his ribs. He was at the door in three steps, and didn't give himself time for a breath before he flung it open. Cory stood there, hair buzzed so short there were no curls anymore, and wearing distressed jeans and an emo tee with tribal designs on it, really something more like what Shawn would wear. He had his hands half in his front pockets and he looked at Shawn with raised eyebrows and hope and anticipation and nervousness wrapped up in a half smile. His forehead was wrinkled like it always was when he was anxious, which was usually.

"Look what the cat fucking dragged in," said Shawn, and lunged for him, wrapping his arms around him in a hug and drawing him inside the door.

"It's good to see you too, Shawnie," Cory laughed, right before Shawn slammed him back against the now closed door. His fingers dug into Cory's shoulders, where he gripped him with all of his strength and held him in place. Cory's smile vanished. Looking into Shawn's wide, haunted eyes, he really wasn't sure if his friend was going to hurt him or not. He knew he hadn't done exactly the right thing by running away; he knew Shawn would probably feel abandoned. But for once in his life, Cory had had to run, just for a bit. Just get away from everything. He'd hoped Shawn, of all people, would understand.

"Don't you ever, _ever_ do that again," Shawn ground out, his teeth clenched. Cory shook his head, his eyes never leaving Shawn's.

"I won't, Shawnie, I swear," he said.

" _Ever_ ," repeated Shawn, as he brought his hands to the sides of Cory's face and closed the slight gap between them. Cory was pressed between the door and Shawn's lithe body, and he brought his hands around to Shawn's back to pull him in even closer, if that was possible. They hadn't really been physical at all with each other yet, and while thoughts of that had run through Cory's mind while he'd been away, he hadn't known what to expect. Now the promise of their first kiss ran true, and the white hot flame that had been kindled in Cory's belly that day a week prior flared up again as Shawn's body molded to his. Shawn attacked Cory's mouth with his own, almost bouncing Cory's head off the door with the initial force. It wasn't so much a kiss as a claiming, with no quarter given. Cory allowed himself to be taken, welcoming the invasion of Shawn's tongue and trying to give as good as he got as he drowned. His arms were almost cramping from gripping Shawn's body into his. A jolt of lightening shot from the fire in his belly to his groin, and he suddenly moaned into Shawn's mouth. He felt himself pressing into Shawn's leg, and he knew Shawn could feel it.

Shawn finally broke the kiss, and gasped in a ragged breath, burying his face in Cory's shoulder and wrapping his arms around his neck. Cory took a moment to feel how bruised his lips were. He and Topanga had never shared a kiss like that, not even after their longest absences apart. He had the urge to rip Shawn's thin tee off and see how close he could get to him. If this was what a kiss did...

Shawn took another ragged breath and on the exhale, Cory felt him tremble. He brought his face against Shawn's, his lips almost touching his ear, and was startled to feel dampness, tears, on his friend's cheek. Shawn was clinging onto him for dear life, and Cory deflated a little. He wrapped his arms around Shawn's thin frame, and tried to will strength to his knees that had gone weak a moment ago. Shawn was steadily trembling now, and his face was buried in Cory's neck. Cory could feel the hot tears as they dripped off his cheeks.

"Shawnie. Shawnie. Baby," he soothed, and instinctively brought a hand up to cradle Shawn's head. He wanted to just scoop him up and lay him down and tell him everything was going to be all right. "I won't ever leave like that again, I promise, Baby," he said. "I promise, okay?" He ran his fingers through Shawn's hair, relishing the way the fine ones at the nape of his neck felt. Shawn nodded silently and damply into his neck.

"You better not, you asshole," came muffled into Cory's collarbone. Cory brought a hand to Shawn's wet cheek and gently used it to lift Shawn's face so he could look at him again. He'd never seen Shawn so beautiful; thick black eyelashes stuck together, tear tracks down his cheeks, nose just a little red, lips rosy and swollen, and feral green eyes that said he'd better never pull a stunt like that again because Shawn would kill him. Cory's heart turned over. If he'd been harboring any doubts that he wanted to be with Shawn, fully and completely, they melted away that instant. He smiled tenderly at this precious gift in his grasp, and still holding Shawn's cheek, pressed his lips to his forehead for a moment. He inhaled the scent of Shawn's hair where his nose met the part in the black locks.

Shawn rested his head on Cory's shoulder once more, but without holding him in a death grip now. He watched the dazed smile rest on Cory's face as they slowly slid down to the floor side by side with their backs now both to the door. It was as if they didn't want to separate their bodies to the extent that walking to the couch would have demanded. Their arms intertwined and they grabbed each other's hands, sitting next to each other, their bodies still flush. Shawn pulled back enough to fully study Cory.

"So what's with the new look?"

"New Cory, new look," he smiled. Shawn frowned.

"I don't want a new Cory," he pouted. "I want my Cory." Cory got serious again.

"This is your Cory, Shawnie. All yours. I mean, I want to take things slow for a bit, kind of ease into things. This is new ground for both of us. I needed to get away to do some thinking, and make sure that's what I wanted, really really wanted. Can you understand that?" Shawn's eyes roamed over Cory's face. He nodded.

"That sucked, though," Shawn replied simply.

"I know, and I'm sorry," Cory told him. He reached over with his free hand to tuck an errant lock of Shawn's hair behind his ear. "I knew it had to be driving you nuts. But I want you to know that I didn't stop thinking about you for one second. I knew I could never stay away from you if I wanted to. I just hoped you'd still be waiting for me."

"I said I would. I've waited years to get this far, I'm not about to give up now," Shawn smiled a bit.

"That means everything to me, Shawnie." Cory leaned into him and captured his lips in a tender kiss, just teasing the tip of his tongue along Shawn's lower lip, playing, testing. He pulled away before it could deepen, and thought he heard a tiny sigh of frustration escape Shawn. "What's wrong with how I look, anyway?" Cory put on a mildly hurt expression. He'd looked the same since middle school and he wanted to do something drastic. What if Shawn didn't like it though?

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it," Shawn smiled back in his signature lazy style. "You look hot. No more Brillo head, huh?" Cory chuckled at him and the ancient nickname.

"I guess I needed to reinvent myself a little. I mean, I've got this gorgeous new boyfriend, I've got to at least try to look good for him." Cory blushed a bit, in a very Cory way, and gave Shawn a bashful smile. Shawn's face broke out in a wide grin.

"I'm your boyfriend, huh?", Shawn said. "I could get used to that." This soaring feeling he was experiencing was somehow worth the uncertainty of the past seven days, and he saw now why people put themselves through the tumult. Cory was looking at him with that dopey lovestruck expression that Shawn had only ever dreamed of being turned on him.

"I could too, Baby," Cory told him, and now it was Shawn's turn to flush a bit.

"Good. Call me Baby again, I like that," Shawn said.

"Yeah?" Cory grinned. "You do, huh, Baby?" They reached for each other at the same time, as if to pull the other on top of him. Cory won in that Shawn ended up straddling him as Cory now lay on the floor, his knees drawn up to press against the slight curve of Shawn's ass. Cory's hands came to rest on Shawn's slim sides, and they both stayed there for a moment, taking each other and their situation in. As much time as they'd spent together, it was as if they'd never truly seen each other before now, and they studied each other's faces, listening to the sound of the other's breathing.

"I could get used to this," Cory said somberly, relishing how Shawn's legs hugged his hips and how he could feel his controlled weight on his lower belly. Cory ran a hand towards Shawn's back and applied some pressure to pull him down towards him. Shawn immediately accepted the invitation and lowered himself onto Cory's torso, still propping himself up on his left elbow. His right hand cradled Cory's face, and he watched Cory lean into his palm. Shawn ran a gentle thumb over Cory's lips, appreciating how swollen they still were from his attack.

"Kiss me, Shawnie," Cory whispered, looking back up into his eyes. Shawn lowered his face till he could feel Cory's breath on it.

"You sure, Babe?" he verified and teased.

"Never been more sure of anything," Cory whispered. He'd hardly finished the sentence before Shawn's lips had closed the gap and were pressing and exploring. This kiss was as gentle and tender as the last one had been violent and demanding. Cory was definitely beginning to see how Shawn had gotten his reputation as best kisser back in high school. He felt his lower lip being sucked on just slightly, and he felt it go straight to his groin. He shifted so Shawn had to put all his weight on Cory, and Cory accepted it gladly. He opened his lips to deepen the kiss and felt Shawn squirm a bit. Their legs were now intertwined. He never wanted to stop making out with this man.

Shawn's fingers explored Cory's new short hair as he settled his weight further onto the body underneath him. He was worried he was so bony that his hips would be uncomfortable for Cory, but Cory wasn't complaining. In fact, he was pressing Shawn tighter to him as they continued to kiss. Shawn shuddered a bit when Cory's hand found its way under his t shirt, to feel Cory feeling him this way, to want him this way. He unlocked the kiss to take a breath and resting his forehead against Cory's, he bit his bottom lip.

"I've always loved when you do that," Cory whispered, his voice husky. "It's so sexy." He continued to explore Shawn's skin under the shirt, now with both hands. Not to be outdone, Shawn propped himself up on an elbow again and brought his fingers to the lower hem of Cory's new tee, dipping his hand underneath and into the slight fuzz on Cory's belly. Meanwhile he lowered his lips and began testing kisses along Cory's left jaw. Soon he was sneakily working Cory's shirt up as much as he could with it trapped between Cory's body and the floor. He felt justified though, because his shirt was halfway up as Cory's hands and arms had disappeared all the way up to his shoulder blades.

Shawn sat up, making Cory's hands slide to his hips, where Cory's thumbs deliciously hooked into the waistband of his jeans. He was looking up at him with a devotion that made Shawn's heart ache. Did he really deserve this perfect being currently underneath him? To distract him from more serious thoughts, he smirked as he peeled off his t shirt, and watched Cory's eyes drink him in. Shawn felt like a god. Sure, there'd been a few girls that had given him that look when he'd taken his shirt off for them, but he was too scrawny for most. Seeing Cory's eyes go wide and then glaze with hunger was a different thing entirely. He pushed Cory's shirt up as far as it would go before lowering himself again to feel the skin on skin contact. Cory's thin belly fur tickled him a little, which was a new sensation. Cory's hands came right back to his shoulder blades, then one traveled down to Shawn's left ass cheek, which was surprising but certainly not unwelcome.

"You are so gorgeous," Cory breathed. "How the hell did I get so lucky?"

"Same way I did, Babe," Shawn returned, and they went back to kissing for a bit. Cory soon raised himself enough for his shirt to be removed, and to his credit he didn't complain when Shawn stretched it out when clumsily tearing it off him. Now both bare chested, legs locked around each other, and hands exploring and groping more every second, it became impossible to ignore that they were both very much turned on. Shawn would pull back a bit every so often; being the one on top, he was in an easier position to slow things down, only to have Cory pull him back in desperately with a slight moan.

He stopped checking when both of Cory's hands clamped onto Shawn's butt cheeks and he felt Cory push himself hard into his hip. So much for being too bony for him. Shawn collasped on him with a moan. Now they were humping each other like teenagers, and Shawn didn't know how much longer he could last. Both were soon breathless, their skin sweaty and starting to stick to each other.

"Shawnie, I want you," Cory groaned. Shawn just inarticulately moaned back. Something clearly needed to resolve itself, but what did that mean at this point? As much as Shawn's hormones wanted to tear both of the rest of their clothes off, Cory had said he wanted to take things slow. This was not how you went slow, in Shawn's experience. So he steadied himself with a few breaths and began rolling himself to the side of Cory's body. His knees had been starting to hurt anyway. He clung to Cory's sweaty side, to keep Cory from thinking he was moving away. He just wanted to give Cory more control, maybe give him a minute to breathe and take stock of where they were.

It worked for a few seconds. Cory's eyes, pupils dilated with lust, locked onto Shawn's, and he pulled them back closer together, now both on their sides. He rested his hand on Shawn's delicious slender hip, and then, without breaking eye contact, slid his hand into Shawn's jeans. Shawn's clothes had always hung loose on him, and while he'd taken to wearing things that fit him better in the past couple of years, this pair of jeans were broken in so Cory had a little room to move once he was past the waistband. Shawn was literally hot even through his boxers. Cory hesitated for just a moment, in which Shawn kissed him fiercely, rebuilding any heat that they'd lost with the position change and the break for breathing.

Then were at each other's flies, still kissing, bumping awkwarding together, until they held each in the other's hands. Cory gasped and Shawn whimpered. Sweat poured off of them as they pleasured each other with hot breath and inarticulate sounds. Cory came first, a white hot light exploding behind his eyes, and then Shawn roared his release, his fingers digging into Cory's back. They collasped onto the floor, jeans undone, panting, sweaty, sticky pools. It was the messiest and the dirtiest that Cory had ever felt. He scooted his body closer to Shawn's, and rested his head on his shoulder. He had no desire to get up.

"I could really get used to this," he said, then added, "Baby." Shawn's heart swelled.


	6. Chapter 6

Before The Wedding: Two Little Epilogues

Epilogue 1

"So where'd you go?" Shawn asked.

"Just drove for a day, then found myself in Massachusetts," Cory answered. "I think I was going to head to Vermont but I realized I couldn't go there without you." Shawn gave him his sweetest smile.

"So even when you were running away from me, you were thinking about me. How nice," Shawn chided him.

"I wasn't running away from you, Shawnie," Cory said. "I just - didn't want to jump into anything without having time to think about it."

"What'd you think about then?" Shawn pried. Cory rolled his eyes and sighed, but it was with a smile.

"That kiss. How good cuddling with you that morning felt. How not abnormal that stuff felt. The idea of us being...this... instead of what we were. Where I should look for a job. How worried my parents probably were. What I'm doing with my life. Just kind of everything."

"Come to any good conclusions? Well, other than me?" Shawn gave a half smirk.

Epilogue 2

Shawn sat in the passenger seat of Cory's car, wishing he could throw himself from the moving vehicle. They were on their way to the Matthews, where Cory was determined to announce them as a couple. He was _excited_ about it, the weirdo, while Shawn was in favor of slowly letting them find out on their own. Although they were both shocked Eric had been able to keep quiet this long.

"Stop biting your nails," Cory told him when he looked over. Shawn quickly tucked his hand under his leg to stop himself. "I told you, things will go fine. There's no need to be nervous."

"Easy for you to say. You're their son, they have to love you no matter what."

"You know they think of you the same way," Cory said.

Shawn thought a moment, then a half smile grew on his face. "Does that mean we're committing incest?", he teased.

" _Shawn_ ," Cory whined. His boyfriend's smile dropped.

"Well how do we know they're not going to look at it like that? I know your parents love you...us...Cor, but sometimes they're not the most open minded people ever."

"It'll be fine," Cory repeated reassurringly.

" _What_?!" Mr. Matthews' mouth hung open in shock. His son sat on the arm of the chair by the door, his arm around his friend's...no, his boyfriend's shoulder. Shawn's arm was around Cory in turn, his hand resting on Cory's hip. Cory was wearing a beaming smile, Shawn looked rather ill but like he was trying to hide it, and Mr. Matthews blinked a few times, willing himself to unsee the two young men.

"Shawn and I love each other," Cory repeated. "We're together now."

"Alan," Mrs. Matthews, sitting behind her husband on the couch, said warningly. She could feel his discomfort but she was hoping he wouldn't have an outburst. She couldn't say she wasn't surprised, but she also couldn't say it was much of a shock either.

"It's only been a few weeks since Topanga," Mr. Matthews tried to make sense of it. "How can you suddenly be...in love...with him?" He spoke to Cory as if Shawn wasn't there. He didn't want to be an ass, but his son was supposed to have married a beautiful young woman and now he was saying he was gay? What went wrong?

Cory's smile faltered, realizing his parents were not exactly sharing his joy. He glanced at Shawn apologetically and tightened his hold around his shoulders.

"Because it's not sudden," he explained. "We've been together for years, I guess we just didn't realize it." Mr. Matthews' face began turning to disgust. Mrs. Matthews knew it was time to speak.

"Cory. Shawn," she began. "If you're happy, then that's what matters."

"Amy-" Mr. Matthews broke in. She gave him a warning glance.

"You know, I was hoping you'd be happy for us," Cory said, miserably now.

Just then, Morgan came bouncing down the stairs, blond hair pulled back and a streak of paint on her nose. "You guys _are_ here! I thought I heard voices." She paused just before the last step into the living room and took in the scene. Her parents with uncomfortable looks on their faces, seeming like they might be disagreeing on something. Cory's face just recently fallen. Shawn's frown, which, like every other expression on his face that Morgan had closely studied since she was old enough to notice boys, made him sexy as hell. Not that she could ever tell anyone that and besides...She took in the sight of Cory and Shawn on the armchair, arms around each other, looking unsure but united. She smiled her lopsided smile.

"Really? Finally?" she broke the silence. "Good for you." All four faces turned to look at her.

"What do you mean, finally?" her dad asked. Her eyes widened in that "isn't it obvious" way.

"They're finally together," she explained. Then she turned to Cory and Shawn. "You guys are, right? You're not just friend cuddling like you always used to do? This is for real?" She thought it looked different, the way Cory seemed to be protecting Shawn, but she was only sixteen and not well versed in these things.

"Yeah," Cory smiled again, "This is definitely for real." For emphasis and because he wanted to, he brought his arm out from behind Shawn and grabbed his hand tightly instead. Shawn squeezed back and couldn't help smiling back up at Cory.

Morgan smiled to see them smiling so sweetly at each other. Though there was a twist in her heart, she'd always known Shawn would never be hers, and now maybe this meant he would be around even more. If that was possible.

"Awww. You guys are so cute. Congratulations," she told them decisively, then turned on her heel and jogged back up the stairs. She didn't want to lose the inspiration she had for the painting she'd been working on. Mr. Matthews watched his daughter disappear, then turned back to his son, his face now contrite. Cory was looking at him with eyebrows raised, as if to say, "And what do you have to say to that?" He couldn't exactly follow Morgan's enthusiasm with questions or close-mindedness. He sighed as he felt his wife's hand, soothing, on his back.

"Thank you for coming to share this with us," he said, rather tightly. This might take some getting used to, but he could tell they were happy.


End file.
